Wie aus gewöhnlich gut unterrichteten Kreisen verlautet, sind erste diplomatische Verwicklungen schon auszumachen. das gesamte internationale Gefüge bricht, erbricht und spuckt aus allen Löchern. Wenn der Brite nun Utah ausläßt, bedeutet das doch immerhin, dass sich die Habsburger (aufgrund ihrer Gewöhnung an Binnenlagen bei Eis und Schnee) inmitten des Empires breit machen könnten. Irgendjemand muss sich doch um Utah kümmern, oder?
Gnat's Urine übersetze ich bis auf weiteres mit "Mückenpisse". Die Verleihunh eines Waffenscheins für Gemüseschäler halte ich für bedenklich, aber das soll die Queen entscheiden.
|NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
by Basil Fawlty (John Cleese)
Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Anthony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Your Congress, the "House of Representatives" and "Senate", will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'U' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up halfway through now, would we?
6. You should stop playing "American football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as "American football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American football".
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby, which is similar to "American football", but does
not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like Nancies. We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby
sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside
of America and it's colonies. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd (America's Election Day recently) will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap anyway and
it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
Fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which should be served warm and flat.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6US/gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
17. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake... it's pronounced "nu-kleer" as in "clear" NOT "nuk-u-lar".
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
(copyright BBC)----------------------------------------- (on scbaprssxmrl)